DOA #part1

alhamdulillah im back after a loooooong time. hehe sorry i dont have much time to write because i am a busy girl excuse my busy :P

so today alhamdulillah Allah has given me opportunity to celebrate the 8th Ramadhan. yaaaay! semoga Allah panjangkan umur lagi untuk sampai hingga kepenghujungnya. Aamiin kan semuaorang pls!!

actually if you guys noticed about my "not-so-last-" post yang entah bila tu hahaha, i talked about the things that saddened me kan? ke tak perasan pun? ke tak baca pun? ahahahaha lol and today my topic is 'DOA' because it actually relate dengan post sebelum ni.

so im not sure either it will be a long post or short one sebab seketul amirah ni kalau tibatiba mood malas dia nak menaip dia pakai berhenti je. sukahati dia je kan. takde disiplin lsngsung ish! so ignore all the typos i might do sebab malasnya nak betulkan dan almaklumlah menaip laju kan dan i dont really like actually taip guna laptop because errrrrrrr dahlah tak automatik capital letters dengan asyik typo tertekan huruf lain la, tekan key tapi dia tak detect la ish geram betul. tengok tu, tak masuk lagi tajuk tapi dah marah. bulan puasa pun nak marah ke? tapi marah diri sendiri ok je kan ? hehehehe

ok la, asyik celoteh dari tadi tapi topik takmasuk lepastu nanti dah lah pakai berhenti je. haih. okok srs srs kita masuk topik.

ok, i just wanna share with you guys whos reading this (i think theres no one) hahahaha about myself... who is myself for past 3 months. jap nak kira, sekarang ni bulan 5, yeah maybe 3 months or 2. lebih kurang~


        i'd lost myself about 3 months long from December 2018 until February 2019. i dont know why (actually it's secret) hahaha but what i can tell you guys is i had a mild depression. i anxious with close-people. almost every night i will cry for no reasons, actually there was a reason, i easily got distrated with things that i love-lost. kadang-kadang, contoh satu hari tu, aku gembira je. tibatiba the "sad" things bothered me and made me cry. i'd lost interest to things i loooooove the most such cooking, baking and the sad part is id already left the "volunteering" thingy. it quite saddened me until today but yeah, benda dah jadi.

      you know what, sangat la terseksa when you got depression. and i knew how it felt. really.......... now i understand why people who suffers "depression phase" want to kill themselves. it really membebankan dan sangat menyakitkan. sentiasa rasa nervous, no confidence with youself anymore, jadi pendiam, jadi lemah, theres no selera makan ( i lost 5 kg) every month dahlah kurus, tambah lagi kurus, and suka duduk dalam gelap layan perasaan yang entah apa apa, suka cakap sorang-sorang (because you will think you have nobody to hear) and satu hari tu, aku masih ada iman tau. aku takpernah pun nak rasa suicidal because i have faith. but, SETAN kan, always keep your mind with things "yuck" i'd several thoughts of want to let myself dilanggar oleh kereta or i will think what will happen if i got hit by the car? i just want to know?

      see? althougt it just a mild, but seriously guys.... it still depression. and pls if you guys have a friend that suffer depression, company him/her and dont ever let them alone. always motivate them and cheer them as much as you can. it would be serious matter if you guys let them by. 

     although the words, the advices not really works (for me - waktu tu) sebab dia macam masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri, but..... keep keep keep advise them. 

     nak dijadikan cerita, i was so tired with myself. aku nak keluar daripada kepompong ni. aku dah penat nak nangis, nak mengenang nasib yang sangat teruk, nak salahkan orang yang buat aku deppresed, nak benci orang yang buat aku jadi macam ni. sampai bila nak menyalahkan orang instead try to move on and build a new life. buang buku lama, try to create a new book with new stories inside it. And, tiba-tiba aku tengah scroll ig, aku terjumpa satu video ni. dia cakap "Kita doa dengan Allah dengan cara kita anggap kita bercakap dengan Allah. hayati setiap kata-kata yang kita ucapkan. anggap kita tengah bercakap dengan Allah tu macam kita tengah bercakap dengan kawan baik kita, mak kita atau sesiapa yang kita selalu luahkan perasaan. cuba untuk communicate dengan Allah macam Allah tu kekasih kita. cuba cuba cuba untuk jatuh cinta dengan Allah." dup. tibatiba rasa hati terjentik. 

      i think, it is the time for me to turn back, make a u-turn to Allah. waktu tu, aku nangis kuat-kuat (roommate takde time tu aha) terus aku bangun solat taubat malam tu, and i cried a river. rasanya kalau gali lubang tu, dapat dah pulau hehe. daaaaan, i try to hayati dan cuba macam aku bercakap dengan kawan baik aku, macam mana aku pernah nangis dan luah kat dia, aku cuba buat benda tu kat Allah daaaaan what can i concluded that time was, i feel the calm and bahagia. hati rasa sejuk sangaaaaaaaat. dan malam tu, i can sleep well and woke up @ morning with smile on my face. the beautiful smile i wore that time was really amazing. id never wore it for the last 3 months ago. (from that time)

     and, automatically, the moments i have wait to move on from all these things that upset me has gone FULLY and PERMANENTLY. you know what, aku tunggu 3 bulan + depression macam mana tu nak move on? hahahaha. 

    and from that time, i believe DOA can change everything. and can cure our heart too. i always think that my plan inshaAllah will go smooth, but no. Allah's plan always better than mine and He knows well than me. He creates everything just for my good. i always believe that. and now..... if everything upset me, i will pray and teach myself everything will be ok. dan yang menariknya every problems yang datang especially "people" sometimes do upset or saddened me, aku akan terus mengadu kat Allah. macam boyfriend kan hahahaha. sesikit ngadu, sesikit nangis. aku takpuas hati dengan orang, aku cakap jugak dengan Allah hahahaha. sebab kalau cakap dengan manusia sama ada dia akan tambahkan lagi kita marah kat orang tu, ataupun jadi ngumpat. terus dapat dosa. baik kita ngadu je kat Allah atleast, kita automatik lepas ngadu 50% terus rasa macam "malunya, kenapa aku nak cakap buruk pasal orang dekat Allah ni. kenapa aku buruk sangka dengan orang depan Allah ni" and practically you will feel embarassed to do bad sebab Allah has caught you! hahahaha.

     that is how i treat myself whenever i feel mad to people or to myself. you guys should try! hahahaha.

    oh ya, i need to stop here. sure i will update the part 2 in few days inshaAllah. there lots of stories about DOA. maybe there will be part3, 4 or 10 hahahahhahaha (sembang ) see you guys. May Allah bless